Different universities are dealing with pro-Hamas demonstrations in different ways.

At Chicago’s Northwestern University, the administration negotiated a deal with the protestors. The university agreed to hire two Palestinian faculty members and supply them each with five co-eds as wives, along with two alternate wives to replace any wives who turn out not to be virgins, and then three more alternate wives to replace the other wives who turn out not to be virgins, and then just more and more alternate wives because, after all, these girls are from Northwestern. In return for these concessions, the protestors agreed to leave campus long enough for the university’s Jewish students to make an escape attempt, whereupon the protestors will suddenly come back.

Other universities dealt with the demonstrations in ways that were more controversial. For instance, at the University of Florida, the administration called in the police to spray the protestors with tear gas and then mow them down with machine gun bullets, which many felt was a flagrant waste of tear gas.

At Columbia University in New York, school president Minouche Shafik hit on a hybrid method of de-escalation after protestors occupied a building, and refused to leave until Israel stopped the genocide so Hamas could murder all the Jews. Ms. Shafik began by begging the protestors to please, please go away so the other students could enjoy their graduation until they realized they had plunged themselves into crippling debt for no reason. When that didn’t work, Ms. Shafik threatened the protestors with suspension, then asked them to please, please forgive her for threatening them with suspension, then said she would never call in the police, then called in the police, then regretted calling the police, then attempted to make amends by offering an all-expenses paid fact-finding trip to Gaza but only to Queers for Palestine since that would save money on return trip tickets.

In the aftermath, Columbia has ordered an investigation into the root causes of the disturbances. The investigation will be led by Columbia Professor Mufassa Intifada Jihad who teaches a course on Decolonization in which students are taught how to video themselves committing rape and murder, then how to brag about committing rape and murder, then how to declare they never committed rape and murder, but if they had it would have been justified because hey, that’s Decolonization.

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In an interview with the New York Times, a former newspaper, Professor Mufassa Intifada Jihad told Times reporter Jihad Intifada Mohammed, “It’s a mystery why so many students majoring in Critical Jew Hatred should behave in such an unseemly manner. I suspect many of them are actually outside agitators or will be until we offer them faculty positions. Then they can join me in investigating why these protests were handled so badly that many Jewish students were able to get out alive.”

The protests are also causing headaches for the White House. President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden reacted to the unrest by issuing a strong statement to the woman assigned to help him walk without falling over. The statement reads “Throughout my life I have always upheld those moral principles that would keep the money rolling in from the family influence peddling business. And today I stand firmly against antisemitism unless that’s all right now, in which case I’m for it. I condemn Hamas for wanting to commit genocide on the Jews, and I condemn the Jews for fighting back, which is also genocide if that word means something entirely different than it used to mean back in the days when words meant things. In conclusion, I will be sending Vice President Kamala Harris to New York because I just can’t stand that cackling laugh of hers for even another minute. Once she’s there, I will ask her to resolve this unrest just as she helped close the border. Then I’ll send her to pretend to do some other thing because really that noise is driving me crazy.”

In Israel, Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu also issued a statement, saying “All Israelis know we can rely on the gentile nations to treat us with their customary level of kindness, and that’s why we’ll be killing anything that even looks at us crosswise for the foreseeable future.”

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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